The Christmas Plunger

Last night Jack gave us a plunger for Christmas. We thought it was charming in a way that only a gift from a five-year-old can be. But then we watched a video to go with it, and we realized the plunger was the best Christmas present ever.



Merry, Merry to you and yours!

Pirate and Mermaid Stand Up for Marriage Equality

Mary and Shane in India in 2007

So my friend Minnesota Mary got married in Vegas this past Saturday. Shane, her guy--strike that, her husband--is kinda perfect for her. He's a cute, tall feminist who is of his own mind, and he's a good Dad, which is important, 'cause they just had a baby in October (my godson Franklin Delano). But what really makes him perfect for her is they are each other's best time--they have so much fun together, mostly because they both look at the world through wacky, Elton John-like glasses.

Their skewed view of life is partly why they were married by an Elvis impersonator on the Vegas strip, dressed up as a pirate (Shane), a mermaid (Mary) and a frog (Frankie). But there's more to that decision. Mary being Mary (fight the power!), even her wedding was an act of social defiance.

You see, besides having me as her best bud, Mary is knee-deep in gays. Her Dad is gay, her boss is gay, a bunch of her coworkers are gay, and over the years she's collected a whole posse of rainbow-flavored friends. And we were all on her mind before she got hitched, her nearest and dearest and the millions of other queers who can't legally marry the one they've chosen to love, honor, and cherish until death do they part.

My senator voted against the marriage quality bill the week before last. (I'm quoted in one article about the protest, though the reporter didn't get my quote right.) Last Sunday, the day after Mary and Shane were married, we stood out in the rain in front of Senator Morahan's office in Nanuet. Jack lasted ten minutes, so Polly watched the vigil with him in the car. When the peaceful protest was over, I got back in the car and Jack said, "Will they treat us better now?" In his five-year-old mind, issues should be resolved as soon as you take action. We protest, they change the law--just like that. I wish, baby. I wish.

When she shared the news of her elopement last night Mary told me getting married by Elvis in costume with cars rushing by in both directions was anything but sanctimonious, which is partly why they did it. (She also told me it took ten minutes to fill out the paperwork--I've been waiting more than ten YEARS to marry my girl.) She also said she'd been waiting to announce their marriage until she could come up with a statement about marriage equality. (Is she the greatest, or what?)

So here's her statement:

At the time of this joyous event, I feel compelled to say a few words about marriage equality:

Unfortunately, my feelings about making this announcement are tainted by the fact that I realize the rights and privileges that are afforded to us as a result of our legal marriage are not available to many of my friends, family, colleagues and clients, and to the millions of GLBT people in our nation. I understand if, for many of you, the announcement of another hetero-marriage is received with a sting.

There was a time when I didn’t really realize why it mattered so much. Why not civil unions, domestic partnerships? In the last several months since my engagement to Shane, I have spent a good deal of time pondering that question. Here are some things I’ve realized about legal marriage. At least for me, the marriage is not the embodiment of the promise to stay together, love, honor and protect.

That commitment was made at the time that we decided to have Franklin together. For me, the marriage represents a means by which to honor that commitment – especially to protect.I recently received a letter from the Social Security Administration, letting me know what my benefits would be if I were to die or become disabled today. For the first time, I read with interest what the benefit would be for my surviving minor child should I die an untimely death… and I noted what would be the benefit to my surviving spouse. It didn’t say anything about a benefit to my surviving Boyfriend, Baby Daddy, Domestic Partner, Fiancé, or BFF. So, if I die first, the government will pay Shane a survivor’s benefit for the rest of his life, to make up for the income I would’ve contributed to the marriage. That sounds like a wonderful form of protection. I’m no lawyer, but denying same sex couples the right to protect their partners in the same way sounds like a denial of equal protection under the law to me.

Besides the Social Security, there’s the hundreds of dollars per month that we will save by signing Shane up for my employer based family health insurance – family as defined by legal marriage and dependent children…and then there’s the right to collect my pension if I go first – again, not available for non-marital relationships. The more I think about it, the more I realize that this marriage business, now as it has always been throughout history, is a very fast and easy way to transfer and protect our various forms of financial security.

And there’s next-of-kin status in case of medical emergency. By getting married, I instantly name Shane as the family member allowed to make decisions on my behalf should I become unable.

And on a day-to-day basis, there’s the simplicity of explanation that comes with being able to say “my husband.” There is no other term that succinctly describes the depth of our relationship. Ever since I began to talk with people about our son, Franklin, I’ve noticed the awkwardness of language that came with trying to reference Shane to people who don’t know us well. “His Dad” became my proffered way, but I always felt it left out so much. “His Dad” does not let people know that we are together, loving each other forever, sharing our home, our bills, our vacations, our plans and dreams for the future.

As I have pondered the problem of marriage inequality, I have realized that central to the issue is the fact that the term “marriage” is currently used to simultaneously describe both a legal and a religious concept. Under a government founded on the idea of separation of church and state, such an arrangement is bound to be problematic. It has occurred to me that, if (some of ) the religious folks continue to insist that “marriage” is their concept to define…and they absolutely cant stand to share…then maybe we should stop fighting that battle and go about achieving fairness by another route. What if we left the term “marriage” to the religious institutions to define amongst themselves, and just removed the 1,400+ references to marital status that currently exist under the law? We could replace all the references to marriage and spouses with the language of domestic partnerships. “Marriage” would then mean something to people according to their religious beliefs, but would mean nothing under the law. Religiously married people would need to register their unions as domestic partnerships under the law in order to gain any type of legal recognition for the relationships. Domestic partnerships, being entirely civil/secular constructs, would be available to all adult couples willing to make that commitment.

I don’t know what people will think of that idea. Shane said he has heard of some other proposing something similar, so it sounds like I am not the first to think of this. In any case, what I really mean to convey today, upon the announcement of my marriage, is that I understand how profoundly unfair the current system is, and I am committed as never before to working for marriage equality. I have set up a small monthly contribution to marriage equality. Those who would like to celebrate our marriage by offering a gift, please do so by donating to http://www.marriageequality.org/index.php?page=donate

Thank you for reading. I hope you enjoy the video of our ceremony. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to be married to the fabulous Shane Dennis.

I love the dance at the end...and check out that little stroller next to the happy couple. You can't make this stuff up.

Thanks for speaking up, Mary and Shane. And congrats. You two freaks deserve each other--and you deserve a lifetime of happiness.

PS: Where are the friggin' pictures of Frankie? I realize you haven't had a full night's sleep in months, but come on! I need some pics.

PPS: It's our straight allies that will make ALL the difference in this fight for marriage equality. Please find out what you can do in your own community for the cause, for your friends, for us, for Jack. Lend a hand, make a donation, or just speak up when someone makes an ignorant or hateful comment about "the gays" or gay marriage. If you want to get involved check out Marriage Equality USA or the Human Rights Campaign.