Survey Says: Feng Shui!

I'm a huge Rob Brezsny fan from way back. I'd run to get the City Pages (Minneapolis) or the Santa Fe Reporter on Wednesdays to read his column, Free Will Astrology. I'd clip and post the especially brilliant and illuminating rants on my fridge, in my car, and on my bathroom mirror. I felt - no I KNEW - Rob had an insight into the divine order of things, namely the lack of order in my life.

I love and trust Rob so much, I subscribe to his free weekly e-newsletter, which delivers horoscopes to me every Tuesday - one whole day before the free rags print his column. Sweet. In fact, I might even read his book - someday - when I have two months of uninterrupted solitude (the title is a hint of the time commitment required: Pronoia is the Antidote for Paranoia).

So imagine my excitement when I pay to hear a voice recording of Rob's expanded horoscope for 2008! After paying my $20 for four "tokens," which grants me four expanded horoscopes (I need three for the full 2008 forecast), I am giddy. I press play and thank Mom for suggesting I learn to type - at 120 wpm I can transcribe this horoscope in real time, baby.

Rob begins with some really good news and words of praise:

In 2007, you were recreating your psychic landscape in such a way that made you more trustworthy as a creator in your outer environment. I really like that. Thank you for doing that.

Aww, you're welcome, Rob. Thanks for noticing (I think). He goes on to say:

Pisces, you came a long way in 2007 toward dismantling your old tendencies toward self-sabotage. In the old days, yeah, you broke my heart on more than a few occasions, by doing something dumb or crippling to yourself just as you stood on the brink of some great success. But in 2007 you did the inner refurbishing that made this far less likely to happen in the future.

Really? Are you sure, Rob? Don't kid a kidder...

One of the happy consequences of the excellent work that you have been doing is that you have strengthened your willpower. You have strengthened your willpower. Congratulations on that tremendous accomplishment.

Again with the praise. Stop before I get a big head! But seriously, I have more willpower? Is this one of those you-had-it-all-along things, like Dorothy's ability to get home to her dearly beloved dustbowl? I just click my crocs together three times and say, "I don't want the chocolate, I don't want the chocolate, I don't want the chocolate?"

But here's the really big news from Rob:

This is the year when you can make real progress towards the goal of creating a paradise on earth that serves your success and happiness. I’m not saying that you will be able to create a perfect version of that heaven on earth, but I am saying that you will be able to make real headway in that direction.

Wow! Fantastic. How do I do that?

Funny you should ask, Annie. I was just getting to that. (Actually, he calls me, "Pisces." Isn't that cute?)

Pisces have you heard of Feng Shui?

Oh, dear Lord.

Feng Shui is the art of arranging one’s physical space so as to create the best possible flow of energy, and 2008 will be a great time for you to bring a Feng Shui consultant in to advise you on how to rearrange the space in the buildings where you spend the most time.

This is it? This is Rob's big piece of advice for me? I should Feng Shui my home? Better yet, I should hire a consultant - which in NY will cost more than a new car - to tell me where to put my stuff?

Look, I know I need to clean out one - okay, two - slightly dangerous closets, but considering the gene pool I come from, I'm practically a neat freak. The women in my family are legendary, LEGENDARY hoarders. I just save a few American Theatre and Elle Decor mags for that vision board I keep meaning to get to. Okay, maybe a few photo boxes. And six - maybe seven - Christmas presents I forgot to send (two years ago). But that's IT.

Rob, my man, my main man, could this really be the key to my best year ever? If it is, than I'm in trouble, because, a) I'm not hiring a consultant in this lifetime, and b) I don't understand this Feng Shui shit. Believe me, I've tried. I've studied books, read blogs, and met with experts (always go to the interior design shows - you get free consultations from EVERYONE). I still don't get it.

So Rob, please, when I tune in for the third installment of my 2008 forecast, please give me some of your good old fashioned predictions. I want magical imagery, references to mythology and rap music, and of course, (im)possible goals. Give me stunners, not how-to books. Because Rob, I count on you to untether me from this earth, if only for two minutes every Tuesday.

You did offer me one totally unrealistic prediction (thanks for that):

And Pisces you may even discuss with your friends and relatives how you could alter their environments so that the energy between you will be the most dynamic and harmonious. That’s right. You could actually ask your friends and relatives to change their homes so that the energy flows better between you and them.

Have you met my family?

But if you insist, I will at least make an attempt to understand Feng Shui in 2008. Time to get out my copy of The Learning Annex catalog. Another Saturday afternoon with someone who needs to take the Public Speaking 101 class down the hall, and lay off the Patchouli. Fun.